My Bad!
by Pit Viper of Doom
Summary: Alternate ending to RaJ. At least, I try to write an alternate ending. Of course, I just end up making everything worse. Contains references to Baz Lurhmann's film adaptation the one with Leonardo DiCaprio.


The authoress rubbed her hands together. "I know what I'm doing is going to make this play completely Mary-Sueish, but hey, I'm bored and this is probably no worse then what Baz Lurhmann did to it." Then she blinked as the oddity of what she was doing struck her suddenly. "Wow… I'm talking to myself again. Oh well, I know loads of people who do that. Anyway, here goes."

With tears pouring down his face, Romeo (who, in this adaptation, is portrayed through the acting talents of Leonardo DiCaprio) kept turning around and/or closing his eyes at the convenient points in time where Juliet was showing signs of stirring and waking up from drinking… whatever it was that Friar Larry gave her. His gun was on a pillow alongside Juliet's prostrate form, (and the reason he actually had a gun was because our good friend Mr. Lurhmann had the idea of completely modernizing this play for the sake of younger audiences, but retaining the annoying archaic speech that is actually the reason Shakespeare goes right over most people's heads, so the whole thing is pretty much an exercise of futility).

Finally, with Juliet extremely close to waking up, and viewers screaming at the angst-ridden moron to _turn around !!_, Romeo raised the vial and opened it.

At that exact moment, a rip appeared in the very fabric of the fandom, admitting through it the incredibly frazzled, frantic-looking authoress. Marching straight up to Romeo and climbing around the candles so as not to set her Skechers tennis shoes on fire, the authoress, known to most as Adderstar or just plain Adder, immediately smacked the sobbing Romeo across the face, knocking the vial out of his hands in the same motion. Juliet was fully awake by now, and wondering just what the hey was going on, and still getting over the shock of waking up in the middle of a morgue surrounded on all sides by fire, er, candles.

In the meantime, the authoress was repeatedly slapping the tears right off Romeo's face and screaming at him.

"SHE'S STILL ALIVE, YOU MORON!!" THE AUTHORESS SCREAMED, MISSING THE CAPS-LOCK BUTTON WHEN SHE TRIED TO TURN IT OFF. Perhaps this fury wasn't quite fair of her, though. After all, Romeo had no idea of Larry's fake-death plan. But still, she was a short fuse and was not happy unless she was yelling at someone, or arguing.

This sudden attack on his self-esteem riled Romeo greatly. "Well how was I supposed to know that?" he retorted irritably. Then the reality of what the authoress had just said hit him, and he turned around to see Juliet staring at him, apparently not dead. This actually had almost the opposite effect on him that we all expected, and rather than embrace her, he let out a high-pitched girly scream.

"ZOMBIEEEEEES!" he said in a voice that sounded like someone had kicked him in the nuts really, really hard. In his sudden terror he fell backward onto the thousands of candles that were conveniently placed, like, right there, and his Hawaiian shirt immediately caught fire. The highly annoyed authoress slapped him upside the head, which sufficiently rattled his emo-clouded brain back into place, and he performed a graceful slo-mo run to embrace his forbidden love. Much overdone sobbing followed. The whole thing might have escalated to a full-on make-out scene had the irate authoress not been there to remind them of the numerous police cars, helicopters, and stealth bombers surrounding the vicinity. Okay, so there were no stealth bombers. Sue me.

"Um, have you forgotten something?" The authoress had to practically shout over the sappy, flowery phrases both lovers were showering over each other. "HELLOOO!"

Juliet, who was being portrayed by Claire Danes, of course had no idea what was going on, having just awoken in a Sleeping Beauty style. (Only, Sleeping Beauty didn't have police cars and helicopters surrounding the castle. Nope, she had enchanted rose briars, because we all know that Disney movies are chockfull of sexism and female damsel-in-distress characters that are mindless slaves to today's gender roles. But I digress.)

"Uh… what have we forgotten?" Juliet asked, feeling rather stupid to the point of dropping the Elizabethan vocabulary.

"Well… thanks to your boyfriend, this place is completely surrounded by cops," the authoress informed her, quite patiently given their current situation. This earned Romeo another smack, this time from Juliet, but that was all right since the entire left side of his face had gone completely numb already.

"Don't blame me!" Romeo defended himself indignantly. "I came in here intending to take my own life. And I still might do that, seeing as I still probably won't make it out of here with my life." He sighed. "As I said, I am fortune's fool."

He might have continued his depressing rant had the authoress not begun to bang her head repeatedly on the wall. "Angst! Angst! Angst! Angst!"

The seriousness of the situation finally reached him when he heard the high-pitched wailing sirens outside, and finally decided to cut the crap and get his Elizabethan rear end in gear. Of course, in doing this he violated numerous laws of the universe.

"Well you're the authoress!" Romeo snapped. "Can't you just write us out of here or something? Maybe have the police change their minds, or call in a limo to take us to Mantua? You have more power over what's going on than we do!"

"Do you have any idea how many plot holes that would leave?!" the indignant authoress screeched indignantly (and redundantly). "I can't just write a tornado out of thin air! I was already risking seriousness in the Mary Sue Department just by righting this fic!"

"Uh, hello, I'M BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL HERE!" Romeo roared. "I think we left that prospect WAY behind!"

"Exactly! Things are bad enough as it is!" And while this verbal brawling was going on, Juliet still had little notion as to what was happening.

"WHAT'S GOING ON??" she bellowed, in quite a deafening voice for a girl who, in our time period, would hardly be out of junior high.

As quickly as they could, the authoress and Romeo explained their predicament to the recently awakened Juliet. And I'm saying it like this because I'm far too lazy to explain exactly how they worded it.

"Well it's quite obvious how we can get out of this," Juliet said, staring at both of them as if they were the most idiotic people on the face of the Earth. "Listen, here's what we'll do…"

FIVE HOURS LATER.

Juliet smiled triumphantly. "See? Everything worked out. We ended the feud between the Montagues and Capulets, we got Romeo pardoned from killing Tybalt, and speaking of which we resurrected both Tybalt AND Mercutio, and it looks like we're all going to live happily ever after. Isn't it wonderful?"

The bemused authoress scratched her head. "Uhh, Juliet, what exactly did we do? All we did was say FIVE HOURS LATER, and now all of a sudden everything's fine."

"And it's all thanks to my brilliant plan!" Juliet continued, without acknowledging the authoress. "Of course, I could never have pulled it off without help from all of you!"

Facepalming, the authoress let out a sigh and counted to five. "What have I done?"

"Er…" Romeo had the same bewildered look on his face that the authoress did. "I'm not quite sure if that really solved anything. I'm still breaking the fourth wall, and how the fudge did Tybalt and Mercutio get here? And why is Tybalt grinning all happy and stuff? Why—_herrrk_!" Romeo found himself unable to continue, due to the fact that the now-canon-Sue-ified Capulet in question had glomped him around his midriff, and was cutting off his air supply.

Juliet was still grinning ditzily. "See? I solved everything, and I even got Tybalt to lighten up a bit!"

In the meantime, the authoress was headwalling to the point of blacking out, muttering, "I wanted to AVOID plotholes!"

A miracle arrived, and Juliet was carried off by an angry mob of die-hard Canon-Nazis to be Sue-purified. After disentangling himself from the incredibly OOC Tybalt, Romeo ran off to hit on Rosaline again. Benvolio and Mercutio, completely disgusted by all of this, stormed off side-by-side, muttering something about taking up lacrosse.

The authoress decided it was time to leave when a livid William Shakespeare stormed out into the middle of things with an outraged cry of, "THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!"


End file.
